Depending on how you look at this, I knew I wanted to be a writer as early as May 2023, and I begun writing my first draft on November 24th of the next year. Now, I know that between each event sounds like an enormous amount of time, but as the saying goes: time will pass anyway. I'm glad I spent it creating what is by far my most prestigious and complex personal project. I won't dross over too many details about the process, but I will take this opportunity to explain the inspirations and origins of my novel.
In 2019, life was normal. You had a daily routine; you talked to people, and everything seemed stable. Then, like a bat out of Hell, the COVID-19 epidemic started on December 31. In the United States, it took until March for the pandemic to shut down the entirety of society. For us in Colorado who were used to I-25 being completely packed at 5 o'clock on a Monday, the opposite was true. I'd say that most people across the country who drove around this time would make the same general agreement that, taken out of context, it'd appear as if the zombie apocalypse happened. The roads were empty, society was a husk, restaurants were closed, businesses were closed. Even to this day, while this seems like common knowledge, I feel as if a lot of us haven't processed the pandemic in such a way. Once it ended in most places, that was that, and the world returned to a half-normal. Every day feels like a fever dream since, and I think this initial push was the origin inspiration to write.
In 2019, I was (and still am) a huge Pendulum fan. Because I enjoyed their music so much and it painted a picture, a journey for me (especially their In Silico) album, I remember listening to the lyrics of "The Other Side", and thinking about how, in a sense, the pandemic dragged us from one side of what seemed normal to a new normal. I think it's with this particular time with my taste in music and the fact I had significantly more time by myself, I was able to coalesce and create the very world my debut novel would take place in. When I thought about demons and the Underworld; how the nostalgia of the earlier 2000s signified a better time in our lives, the project came to life.
Though I made many amendments to the original document, and they were gradual, nothing accelerated this like April-October 2023. In April, I drove to Grand Junction in Western Colorado and listened to the Shogun album by Trivium for the very first time. I remember loving it! The next month, I began very first playthrough of NieR: Automata, and I completed that game in 15 days; having 100%ed it within less than 64 hours of gameplay and working in between. I was so addicted to the game; I loved the gameplay, the story, and I remember being at work and thinking about how much I couldn't wait to be off the clock just to play the game. Looking back, this is probably the last time I felt that way about a game, and the creativity of NieR changed my thoughts about philosophy, humanity, and how we can find meaning in an ultimately meaningless universe. Throughout the next couple of months, I went to North Carolina, Great Sand Dunes, and eventually, Washington D.C. for the very first time. As a map and geography nerd, exploring so many places, new or familiar, rejuvenated my creative juices. Listening to a new album that I loved, playing a game that I absolutely adored, everything fell into place as a perfect creative rejuvenation, and so I often call 2023 my most recent "muse year".
Since 2023 and leading into late 2024, I knew I wanted to write. But 2024 wasn't as good a year for me. I tried so ardently to figure out how to write in the beginning and kept forcing myself into a corner that nothing seemed possible. I got frustrated because I kept trying to write a story that already existed in my mind, thus it didn't seem particularly interesting to me. I ran into this roadblock early, and while I had a pretty modest year for the most part, in October, I lost my best friend of five years. It was strange. One day they woke up, decided they wanted nothing more to do with me, and that was that; I didn't even get a chance to respond or defend myself. For such a long time, it created so many negative emotions for me; emotions that I had never felt before. I was so filled with rage and sadness due to the betrayal, but also a great degree of loneliness. You look up to someone close to you, just for them to do that to you, and it revolutionizes your emotional core.
But, as I love to say, I am nothing if not resolute.
This mind-altering phase of my life initiated creative spurts from later that month throughout March into the next year. I had another creative boon, though the stories and ideas that I wrote down were oddly melancholic, cynical, and explored the emotions of the time. Since it was such a wild ride from that point on and having to cope with my biggest friendship loss, I discovered that darker emotions weren't necessarily bad to feel. We have our Paleolithic emotions for a reason, and we feel strongly about specific things. These powerful emotions weren't just negative energy; they were seeking relief and release through artwork, through writing. Life is unfortunately a journey that includes times where you will feel like the entire world is against you, and times of absolute Elysium and euphoria. If you couldn't be angry or sad, you couldn't be happy.
So, in a way, I was torn in two for a long time; a fragmented soul that needed completion. I always thought I was missing something more in myself, always questioning why I was dropped so suddenly by someone I was so close with. I figured I couldn't be the only one who felt such a way and so strongly about specific subjects. The fact these emotions came to me in such a way for the very first time means that I've been experiencing far more emotional depth since then, and it was a necessary evil to transform me into the person I am now. We often read these sad or horror stories as a way of relief, we're looking for light at the end of the tunnel, but I wouldn't consider my story sad.
After all, it's only a sad story if you give up. Even when things seemed impossible, I kept going. I had to monitor my self-doubt, my lack of confidence in my writing, and just think that somewhere, someone will love my novel. As such, Torn In Two is a story about never giving up; about the duality of humanity and, in a way, a song of myself.
I find myself a lot like both the protagonists I wrote. While I can be pretty serious and want my space, I'm also an easygoing person; one who loves to make (sometimes REALLY stupid) jokes, and I'm always looking to expand my social circle (even though I'll seldom make the first move). I've felt the darkness, faced the sadness, and I did it by myself. But, I also see the joy in life and continue to be grateful for what I have. Life's too short to be angry, hold a grudge, or hold onto those negative emotions. We face our own underworlds, and it's up to us how we choose to navigate them. Do we drink from the river Lethe and forget who we were because we're thirsty, or do we march further into the mouth of Hell in hope that we maintain our sense of dignity? With all of the experiences, thoughts, and emotions, the mind has created such a story that reflects a complex life and a complex situation with characters with significant emotional depth to them.
Now, I know this post is unique in that it focuses on emotions, but that is what creativity is. I'd consider myself a logical, practical, level-headed person, but nobody is a robot. We all have our emotions and they speak to us, but how we process them differs among the individual. With the mountains of research I've poured into the book for the hard science fiction element, there is no denying that the dark fantasy and the philosophy element play heavily upon our emotions. There are moments in the book that will insight joy, laughter, sadness, horror, or even rage; and that is the point! Life is a ballad of emotions. It's not just a comedy or a tragedy, we have depth and mixture.
Thank you so much for reading this! If you want to read more about my book, here's the link: (pre-order print coming soon)
https://dustinbloomauthorwebsite.com/books/torn-in-two
Until we meet again,
I am Torn In Two!
Dustin